I never thought this would be my first official blog post. I debated this long and hard. But, since I am 1 in 4, I’m going to let me voice be heard also. Bear with me because this is going to be long.

I’ve spoken on this subject many times before but my story goes back a little further to include more than just me. This statistic hit my family when I was 9 and my mom was expecting my baby brothers. We were all so excited to be having two little boys joining our family! We had a snow day that winter(I’m sure we had several this one just sticks in my head) and my mom just happened to have a sonogram scheduled for that day so we were going to get to see the babies! I remember sitting there waiting with my dad until a tech came and got him. Then she sat with us patiently while he went to be with my mom. We didn’t get to see the babies that day and it was a long ride home. I knew something was up, just didn’t know what. My parents told us(me and my brother Clem) later that one of the twins had passed away. My mom carried both babies to five weeks short of their due date and gave birth on April 3,1994 to Jacob Rinde and Josiah Gale. The way they brought Josiah to my mom is testament to the different mentality they had then compared to now. I’m not going to go into detail out of respect for her and Josiah but I will say that the way they handled it was disgraceful. I’m so grateful now for the awareness that women have begun to bring to this and for organizations like Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that help grieving families preserve what memories they can get. That was my first experience in losing a baby even though that baby was not mine.

Fast forward to 2009. David and I decided it was time to add to the family. Megan was wonderful and we were ready to give her a sibling. She weaned in March at 13 months old and April 10th I found out we were expecting. I started to have spotting a few days before Mother’s Day. My mom went with me for a sonogram and bloodwork. They said I was either not as far along as I thought or I was in the early stages of miscarriage. I miscarried the next week on the way home from my church’s Mother/Daughter picnic.  I remember carrying a sleeping Megan upstairs, laying her in my bed then going back down the steps to the downstairs bathroom and balling my eyes out.  I cried for the lost baby.  I cried that my body had failed me.  I cried that Megan wasn’t going to be a big sister.  I cried because I knew David was happy too and now I had to tell him that the baby was gone.  Mostly I cried for myself because I wanted that baby so badly.

The doctor told me we could go ahead and start trying again when we were ready. Fast forward again to August. I found out once again that we were expecting. I was cautiously joyful. Sadly, within a couple of weeks I began spotting again and once again I lost my baby. At this point my heart was broken. I always wanted alot of children. I remember telling David while we were dating that I wanted as many as I could have! But as it always does, life went on and we took a family vacation down to the beach in FL then took Megan to Disney. We got home and a week later I began to have the same feelings I’d had previously with my miscarriages around the time I was expecting my period. I called the doctor and questioned if there was any way to find out if I’d just experienced another miscarriage. They told me they could run a blood test and sure enough without even knowing I was expecting I’d miscarried once again. I was devastated.  The doctor ordered blood work to be done on both David and myself to check for anything that could be the cause.  He also ordered a special test to check my uterus to make sure that it was ok.  All tests came back okay.  I remember the doctor calling and giving me that news and I could tell he was as frustrated for me as I was that we had no answers for my recurring miscarriages.

I’m going to tell you this because it needs to be said.  Losing a baby at ANY stage is devastating.  It does something to a woman’s mind.  Makes her doubt herself, her body, her God.  I remember crying and asking David “What if we can’t have anymore?”.  He comforted me the best he could but the seed had been planted in my head by my own doubts and I was scared.  But, again, life goes on.  Christmas came and went and the new year started.  God began to work on my heart and gave me a verse during one of my devotions.  Philippians 4:11 “Not that I speak in respect of want for I have learned in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content”.  I didn’t want to take this verse but God spoke to me through it.  I began to realize that I needed to “let go and let God”.  Believe me, it’s a lot harder than just that.  But slowly, with God’s help I became content with God’s plan for my life instead of my want.  It was hard.  My life up to that point had pretty much gone according to my plan.  I married my highschool sweetheart and we had a wonderful uncomplicated life up to that point.  No troubles, no worries.  God used these troubles and worries to draw me closer to Him.  It was never easy.  I had friends and family all around me delivering babies or announcing their pregnancies.  But I put aside my grief the best I could and rejoiced with them.  God gave me grace and in July of 2010 I once again found out I was expecting.  Again, I was cautiously joyful but God blessed us with our rainbow baby, Caleb, that was born on April 10, 2011.  He has continued to bless us and I have gone on to have 2 more little ones, Levi and Adeline and I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant with baby #5.  Well, I guess technically this is baby #8 but it’s #5 here with us.

I wrote all of this to share my story and maybe give some hope to those hurting.  As hard as it is now, trust God.  He has a plan and while it may not be what you want but it is still perfect and He’ll give you the grace you need to get there.  For any of my momma friends who have been in these shoes, if you need someone to talk or a shoulder to cry on I’m always available.  Don’t hesitate to tell your story.  You never know who is watching and listening and who you can help.  There are so many just like us out there who are scared or too hurt to share that you never know who could use the knowledge that someone they know has been there too.  On that note, I’m going to close this and tell you all Good Night!

~Jayme~